The second I came to the breakfast table, I could already tell that the argument from last night wasn’t over yet. My stepfather put his newspaper down as soon as I entered the kitchen. Giving me that fucked up look that basically said, “You’re such a loser, Taryn.” I didn’t have the tolerance to deal with it this morning, and considered just skipping breakfast altogether. How dare he judge me, he doesn’t even belong here. My little brother, Alec, was happy as usual…but he’s four years old. Why shouldn’t he be? Just seeing him smile and swinging his feet playfully from his chair, reminded me of how much fun life was when I just didn’t give a shit about anything. And now? Now all I know is how frustrating life can be sometimes. MOST of the time, actually. A lesson that had been intensifying its influence on me every day since my mom decided to marry that asshole sitting across from me. And why is he still LOOKING at me like that??? Piss off already! Jesus! I’m so sick of this shit! He doesn’t even know why I came home so late last night. Or should I say this morning? He didn’t understand. And now he’s sitting here at MY breakfast table, like he was the fucking Emperor of Rome, and giving me daggers like I was the Antichrist or something. Not only that, but my mom was being just as evil that morning too, if not more so.
“Remember, you’re to come straight home from school today. I mean it.” She said.
I knew she couldn’t resist saying something. Just to rub it in. “Yeah, like I could forget.”
“Watch it, Taryn. You’re skating on thin ice as it is.” My stepfather jumped in. Like HE actually had a say in any of this. He had only been here for a month and a half, and it took him half of that time to even get my NAME right. I certainly hope he hasn’t gotten it in his mind that he’s ‘family’ yet. If it were up to me, he wouldn’t be here at all. Something about him just rubbed me the wrong way from day one, but I guess him being welcome in this house wasn’t my choice to make. If that’s what Mom wants, she can have him. That’s what she gets for being stupid enough to fall into his pit of bullshit. Sorry…but the fact that she had been dating this loser behind my back until she was already head over heels and it was too late for me to have any say in the matter, made me just as angry with her as I was at the situation itself. I didn’t like this at ALL! And I didn’t see a need to pretend to.
I sat down without saying anything more to either one of them, and started eating my breakfast, thinking about last night. That glorious night. Something I would have risked my LIFE for, much less punishment. I was pretty much grounded for a week, sure…but it was sooo worth it. There was a party at Steven’s house last night, and I would have come back before my curfew if it weren’t for…you know…him. His name was Jason, and I would have followed him to the ends of the Earth if he asked me to. Dark brown hair, light blue eyes to DIE for, and the firm body of a newly recruited high school jock. He had a definite love for the game, but not the typical jock mentality. He was beautiful inside and out. And over the last week and a half that he started actually talking to me…I’ve been walking on cloud nine. It may be my first really big crush, which at age 14 and living as a closet homosexual…makes me a late bloomer, but there was no way around it. I was smitten beyond belief with him. With his smile, his clothes, his hair…the sound of his laugh, his strength of character. I perceived him to be perfection in every sense of the word. And…he was CUTE! What else is there to say?
Last night was an experience that kept me from getting more than a half hour of sleep, a tragedy that I was sure to take care of in study hall. I remember how Jason mingled throughout the party for most of the night, with me secretly following him around like some kind of silly lap dog. But he was so addictive to me. I couldn’t let him leave my side for longer than a few minutes without going nuts, and even the few select times that he did, I was staring at him from the other side of the room. He’s soooo cool for making me feel this way. So beautiful. He was my every pleasant dream, my every exotic fantasy, wrapped in the flesh of a gorgeous teenage heartthrob. He was just so….so…
“Taryn…you’re father’s talking to you.” My mom interrupted my fantasy and it evaporated right in front of my eyes. Giving way to the ugly sight of the asshole staring me down from the other side of the table. The use of the word ‘father’ when talking about that disease sitting on the other side of the table, was almost enough to make me spit my cereal back in the bowl and walk away in disgust.
“Really? What ‘profound message’ did I miss THIS time, Chuck?” I said. He hated for me to call him by his first name. So I made sure to add that to my list of ‘Things That Piss Chuck Off’ the very first day. My mom knew I hated him, but I don’t think she really cared.
“I said…if you miss curfew just one more time, you’re going to outsmart yourself right out of going to that dance next weekend at school.” HA! THAT’S supposed to be a threat?
“Hadn’t planned to go.” They may not know it, but since I like boys instead of the traditional girly girl, dances and social functions were kind of limited for people like me. Not that I missed them much. I don’t find it at all inviting to go to some dance and try to convincingly talk to the other guys about how hot the girls are and how I’d like to get in their pants. Sure, I’d follow a really hot girl around the school gym all night long…if I thought it would lead back to her even HOTTER boyfriend. But somehow, society has found a billion ways to ‘force’ the heterosexual lifestyle on its children so the rest of us losers can feel like a total reject if we don’t participate. The result being yet another generation of gay kids that would rather live a lie, live alone, or simply not live at all, than be who they really are inside. Such is the price for being an ugly ‘weed’ in the garden of youth. Seems that as teenagers, our healthy development has only been structured to cater to one kind of poster boy teen for the whole world, and anyone not fitting into the cookie cutter mold becomes the excess garbage that they try to eliminate. Sounds kinda Nazi-esque if you ask me. Then again…who ever does?
“Now you’re not going?” He said.
“I never was. I hate those things. They’re stupid.”
“They’re not stupid, Taryn. They’re supposed help make you more social and get to know your friends at school a little better.” That’s it. I’m getting out of here before I get another inspirational lecture from Mr. Well Adjusted Childhood, here.
As I stood up and took my bowl to the sink, I said, “If they were really my friends, I’d know them already. And they’d know me. And they would be aware of the fact that I’d never be caught dead at one of those things.” He opened his mouth to say something, but I was already on my way out of the door. “Later, Mom, Alec…Chuck.”
I walked to school that morning, lugging around the heavy load of books that I hardly ever used anyway. Homework was just never my thing. I treat school like my parents treat their jobs. Once you punch out on the time clock, the day is over, and work stays at work until the next day. I go to school for enough hours as it is without having to bring the drama HOME with me. All the way there, I just kept thinking about the night I spent with Jason…talking, sharing, getting closer than I ever thought I’d be able to, and smiling to myself at the accomplishment. He was so sweet. Just like I imagined him. And afterward, when I asked him to come with me to see the sun rise…the most magical thing I had ever experienced…he said yes. He said yes. Last night was something I’ll remember for the rest of my life. No matter how old I get…I’ll always cherish that incredibly romantic memory, always. It was my first step towards being with him. My first step towards finally being happy.
I got to the school lawn and was about to go in when I saw Jason and some of his friends standing over against the fence. Sigh…I should have just kept walking instead of looking like a dork. But once again, his gravitational pull sucked me right in and I found myself starting to turn in his direction. It was then that I got the vision that made my heart turn to concrete and weigh heavier in my chest than it ever had before. I saw one of the girls from the party last night walk up to Jason…and hug him lovingly around the neck from behind. She had to reach up a bit to get over his broad shoulders, but when she clasped her hands together, he smiled and turned around to accept her advances willingly.
My pace slowed down a bit as I watched all of this, but still kept me moving forward. Maybe she was just an affectionate girl, maybe they’re just playing around. That’s what it is. I must have just come in on the middle of some joke, that’s all. Then…she kissed him on the cheek, her arms still hanging on, swaying back and forth. Swinging on the neck that I was hoping to press my lips against someday. It stung a little, my heart drooping a bit as my mind began to rationalize what was going on here. But still…my feet kept moving. A bigger smile appeared on Jason’s face, and I saw him…I saw him….he…he kissed her. On the lips. Right in front of me! He just…leaned right in, closed his eyes while still smiling, and….and he…kissed her. My breathing became short and labored, heavy and thick, and I felt my hands begin to tremble a little. Nothing compared to the quakes that rumbled through my stomach at that moment. It was like having your heart suddenly get wrapped up in a constricting vine covered with thorns. And it dug a hole deep in my chest so quickly that I didn’t quite know how to react or exactly what to do with myself. I never thought that the pain of heartbreak would be so…instantaneous. It was like being shot in the chest with a cannonball. If he hadn’t caught sight of me and waved me over, I would have turned right around and walked in the other direction. But it was too late. I had to see the nightmare that was staring me in the face as I moved forward. The verdict was in. I had fallen for him, and he had fallen for someone else. Someone who was everything that I could never be. There are no words to describe how much that hurt.
We spoke, me and Jason. Briefly. Nothing like before when I believed in him. When I believed that maybe God was smiling down on ME for a change. And the whole time, while using every last bit of energy to appear normal, to act like my heart wasn’t being torn to shreds, I tried to ignore the girl who had seemingly ‘attached’ herself to his neck permanently. Occasionally kissing the lips that I wanted to touch so badly. Every time they made eye contact, it was like an iron spear being plunged into in my stomach. I saw the infatuation in her eyes, the attraction, the desire. And I saw the exact same reflection in his eyes as well. They hardly knew one another at all, but you could easily tell that they were attracted to each other physically, and in high school that’s all you need. They way they were looking at each other, I’d be surprised if they lasted another day without heavily making out at least once. And….sex…hot, wet, steamy sex…was sure to follow shortly after. She’d get to…touch him, and hold him, and taste him…and never ONCE would she have any understanding of what kind of person he was. To her, he was the shiny object in the window that she wanted because it looked good and she knew she could have it. She’d never put him on a pedestal the way I would. She’d never take him to see a sunrise, or make him laugh, or even…get the ultimate pleasure out of kissing those delicious pink lips of his the way I would have. She’d be able to get some sex out of him and possibly a good status in the social high school ring of gossip hounds. But I wanted more. I wanted so much more. I understood the true value of Jason, and wanted more than some stupid roll in the hay with some shallow idiot that looks good in front of a mirror. But what could any of this do to help me now? Nothing. The stage had been set, and instead of filming an epic romance that could stand the test of time, the cameras rolled for an excitingly meaningless thirty minute skin flick. Wonderful. By the time the bell rang, I was ready to burst into tears from seeing the two of them together like that. And I began to wish that I had never gone to that party last night. That I had never allowed myself to think that Jason would ever like me. Or my ‘kind’, for that matter. I wish I had never let him make me miss my fucking curfew and get in trouble because I was taking him to the lake last night…just him and me alone…to see that wondrous sight. I went because I thought he might actually say that he liked me, maybe even loved me, as far fetched as that sounded. It was out there on the lake, that I took him to see that lovely vision, that experience that changed my life. I thought he would be overwhelmed, that he’d see my heart and my soul being offered to him freely, and kiss me in front of that magnificent golden orb as it rose out of the sea. That one beautiful moment…when I took Jason to see his first sunrise.
I felt so damn STUPID!!! IDIOT!!! Why did SHE have to jump into the picture? She was a decent looking girl. She had lumps in, what I assumed to be, all the right places. But my question is WHY did she have to have HIM??? Why my Jason instead of some other brainless sex machine? It may sound greedy, but I’d rather have him be alone forever than with someone else. It’s not fair, DAMMIT! It’s just not FAIR!
For the rest of the school day I went back and forth from being angry enough to punch a hole through a brick wall to being depressed enough to lean against that same wall and break down into tears. I guess it’s hard to just let someone you cared so much for just run off with someone that you know will take your place at his side. But there was nothing left for me to do but cry and suffer at this point. So who cares? Fuck him! Fuck HER! To hell with ALL of them!!! There has GOT to be a place on this planet where EVERY boy you meet is gay or bi and all you have to do is be yourself and DATE like everybody else! I’m soooo tired of this ‘I wonder if he’s gay’ bullshit! You have NO idea how THIS many disappointments and let downs can damage and harden even the strongest of hearts! I don’t know why I have a soul at ALL at this point! If life is all about heartache and pain…I’d rather end it than try to struggle through it. He was meant for me, do you understand? For ME!!! How could I be so stupid and let him get away? How? If I’m not good enough for him, I’m just not good enough for anybody.
I went home and locked myself in my room for most of the night. Locked away with my CDs and my Nintendo Entertainment System and my unfathomable pain as it acted as a corrosive acid around my heart. I just didn’t want to be a part of this sick world for a while. You can imagine how irritated I was to hear my stepfather’s patented knock at my bedroom door. Three knocks, all in rhythm, it never changed. “What?” I answered from the chair at my desk, and I heard the door open.
“You were quiet. I thought something might be wrong.” He said.
“I’m…” I started, but when I turned to look at him, he was just in a pair of white cotton briefs and a wife-beater t-shirt. Oh God…I could have lived the rest of my LIFE without seeing that atrocity! “…I’m fine.” I said, turning back around to hide my eyes from the awful sight. There was a little silence, and I heard him close my bedroom door and walk over to me quietly.
“You sure? You’ve been a little tense today.” He said, and his hands suddenly fell softly onto my shoulders. I didn’t even want him to touch me at this point, but after a few seconds he began kneading his fingers softly into my shoulders. “Look at this. You’re not supposed to be so tightened up. Sigh…no…not you, Taryn…you’re…you’re supposed to be nice and soft. Soft like a young boy should be.” He said. I frowned my face up a little at the sudden weirdness of all this.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“No. What are you doing?” I demanded.
But he didn’t stop massaging my shoulders, he just changed the subject as his touches became a bit more…uncomfortable. “I’ve been thinking about this morning, and maybe I overstepped my bounds. Listen…if you want to go to the dance, you can go. I won’t stop you.”
“I TOLD you, I don’t want to go.” I squirmed a bit to get his hands off of me, and he continued to try to convince me anyway as his hands held me in place.
“Why? I’m sure you can get yourself a date easier than 90% of the boys at your school.”
“Maybe I just don’t want to go. Did you think of that, CHUCK?” I thought maybe calling him by his first name would be a subtle way of telling him to get the hell out and leave me alone. He didn’t take the hint. In fact, he got even creepier.
“The girls at your school will absolutely love you, Taryn. A beautiful kid like you…you could have all the love you ever wanted and more.” He spun me around in the chair to look me in the eye, and brought his hand up to my face, “Look at you. Beautiful eyes, beautiful lips…such silky fine hair. You’re like…a sweet little China doll. Such…such smooth skin…so…so very smooth. Smooth and untouched…it’s amazing.” He touched my cheek and his hand went down to rub my neck. I couldn’t explain it, but the disgust and utter shock of what seemed to be happening here kept me still. Kept me from reacting at all. Which is a good thing I suppose, because had I acted on my first instincts, I would have hit him as hard as I could. And kept on hitting him until his lifeless body ceased to move again. My fists were clenched, my teeth were clenched, and a charge of electricity ran up my spine as I prepared to defend myself if I had to. That’s when we heard a voice from downstairs.
“Honey? I’m back. Can you give me a hand with the groceries?” My mom’s voice stopped him before he did something that ended up with him in intensive care, and he stood up.
He adjusted himself without shame in front of me, a semi poking out from his underwear in a sickening and lewd manner, and he whispered, “If you need anything to make you feel better, let me know. I’ll be here for you Taryn, always.”
“How about a gun to put under my pillow while I sleep? Do you think you could work THAT out…’Dad’?” I sneered with sarcasm.
He gave me somewhat of a dirty look and then just said good night as he found his way out of my room. The second the door closed, I cringed involuntarily. My mind was trying to find any and every way possible that I could have misunderstood and misinterpreted that little encounter. But my mental excuses weren’t too convincing. Something was wrong with that whole interaction, and I knew it. I ignored it anyway though. I had things to do and a broken heart to deal with. I hoped that it would never happen again, and that he had gotten the message. But that was one prayer that was never answered.
My stepfather had waited all of a week before gaining the courage to try anything else again, but there were many secret touches and strokes after that. Each one getting more and more personal in nature. But he was careful though. It was always JUST enough to make me sick, and yet, JUST enough to get away with. Just enough to easily explain as ‘fatherly affection’ to anyone asking about it. My mom wouldn’t have taken me seriously if I had told her. She was always so busy with work, and with the knowledge of how much I hated his guts from day one, she wouldn’t have believed me anyway. She would have just thought it was all a scam to get her to hate him as much as I did. So there I was…stuck. It’s funny, but no one ever wants to believe in the ‘bad’ things. If it wasn’t considered normal and everyday, then it was grouped together with some unbelievable fable better left for tv networks and fiction to figure out. CERTAINLY things like this don’t happen for real! At least that’s what helps us to pretend that it isn’t there. He never touched my brother that way, not yet anyway. But there were times when Alec would sit and bounce happily on his lap, and I would immediately get apprehensive. I would call Alec over to sit on the floor with me instead, and since I always played little games with him and showed him love and attention whenever he needed it, he was quick to join me. Much to Chuck’s dismay, I’m sure. I swore that if I ever caught even a *HINT* of him touching my brother the way he touched me, I’d kill him! No question about that. I’m pretty sure that I could fend for myself if I really had to, and Chuck was always very careful about what he said or did to me because I was older…but Alec was just a baby. A BABY! I’d give my life to protect him, and I think Chuck stayed away from him because he could see that level of protection in my eyes. Besides, I was the one he wanted. I could tell by the way he would look at me over the dinner table. By the way he’d desire me and long for the moment when he got to see me again. It made me self conscious of every movement that I made around that house. Always wondering if I was unintentionally ‘tempting’ this sicko in one way or the other.
Things went on like this for an entire month, maybe longer, with me keeping the faith that I could take care of myself and my mom being too wrapped up in her work at the firm to notice that something was going sour between me and my stepfather. Even more than the usual shit, that is. I would always push him away from me, always get disgusted when he looked at me for longer than a few seconds, always walk away from him or shrug his ‘touchy feely’ fingers off of my shoulders as he lightly rubbed them in an attempt to get me used to his sickening affections. Even with the slightest bit of contact, I was nauseous. But he couldn’t stop. He could never keep his revolting hands off of me for longer than a few minutes before he was looking for a reason to run his fingertips over my smooth flesh again. How could he? I was his pretty little China doll after all.
However, as bad as things had gotten, I kept the faith that I’d be able to handle the likes of him if it ever went too far. I was wrong, and it was late one night in my bed, that proved to me that I would need help. Things weren’t going to get better on their own, and Chuckie-boy was beginning to realize that just as fast as I was. His advances got more and more daring, and when he got away with it, he pushed the envelope as far as he could…constantly increasing his power over the situation. And the first night he made his boldest move…I was completely unprepared.
I hadn’t drifted off to sleep all the way that night, so I was conscious enough to hear the bedroom door creak open slowly. A sliver of light entered the room and lay horizontally across my back. That stream of light was soon blocked out by a shadow, and HE stepped inside. I didn’t move at first, I just lay very still with my back to him. Afraid that he’d catch me awake and make more of the usual lewd suggestions to me. I heard the door shut behind him, and he stood over me in the dark, his breathing pattern speeding up to a few short gasps and whispers. Then…he got down on his knees while I tried to imagine what the hell he was up to now. And he leaned forward…ever so slowly…and with a stomach turning lick, I felt his tongue drag lustfully across the side of my neck! I sprung up instantly, jerking as though a giant spider had been dropped in my lap, and turned on the light by my bed! “What the fuck are you DOING???” I shouted.
“Turn off the light, Taryn, and lay down.”
“Taryn…turn off the light.” He said quietly, but sternly. Where was my mom??? What the hell made him think he could LICK me, the sick bastard???
“Don’t put your hands on me! I swear if you…” But before I could finish, he grabbed me by the arm so tightly, that I nearly screamed out of pain. He shook me violently and then tossed me effortlessly onto the bed, slamming my head back against the headboard. The shock of the sudden attack kept me from thinking clearly, and once my head banged against the hard wood, all I could concentrate on was the pain for the time being. He sat next to me, and turned off the light himself. “Why are you doing this?” I said helplessly, and a few tears began to streak from my eyes as the pain seemed to intensify beyond my attitude.
“I’m trying to love you Taryn…but you are making it soooo hard. You know that, baby?” He held me against him, and I crossed my arms over my chest, curling up into a tight ball. It was the only defense that I had at the moment. “It’s not easy, you know? Being close to you. The way you walk around this house, looking so sweet. So damn cute. The very ripeness and youth that you possess…it’s the most inviting erotic pleasure I’ve ever known. And you exist with such a powerful beauty, Taryn. I like that. I love your fire. Your ambition. I love it when you fight me, Taryn. It turns me on.”
“Please…just let me GO!” I whimpered, but he held me tighter and put a hand over my mouth. I tried to bite into his hand, but he pulled it away and slapped it upside my head two or three times. Hard enough to knock me back down to the mattress! Silencing me and forcing more tears to pour from my eyes in buckets.
“STOP!” He snarled. His hands then rubbed the sore spot on my head, whispering in my ear, and I cringed as I felt his tongue reach out to wet the inside of my ear. I wanted to hit him, to scratch his eyes out, to stab him, shoot him, something to express the ultimate level of repulsion that he was putting me through right then. But it was no use, he was bigger and stronger than I was, and I gasped in horror as I felt his hand travel down to rub small circles on my stomach, just under my belly button. I felt so ugly, so ashamed. It was almost as though I was systematically disowning every part of my body that he touched, never to call it mine ever again. “I love your mom Taryn, I do. But…she’s not my little China doll, is she? She’s not as firm, as young…as utterly delicious, as you are. She doesn’t have than adorably clean scent that you drive me so insane with. She doesn’t have that internal glow that your smooth teenage body has, that glistening sexual attraction that stabs a knife in my heart every time I think about how badly I want to bathe myself inside of it. When I’m with her, I have to bite my lip just to keep from calling out your name. You leave me so breathless, Taryn…”
“Please, don’t. Ok? Please? I won’t tell…I promise.” I sobbed, the fear really gripping me for the first time since this all began. But he didn’t stop touching me, his lips now kissing me while his hardness was rubbing against me, little sticky wet streaks being left on my leg from his leaking manhood as his member protruded out of his boxer shorts. That’s when I felt his kisses moving across my cheek, heading towards my lips. I tightened my lips as firmly as I could, trying to keep him from getting into my mouth. But him kissing me on the outside of my mouth was almost as bad. I could feel his saliva drying on the outside of my mouth, and it was almost enough to make me gag. He must have sensed that I wasn’t into him kissing me because he turned me over on my side facing the other way. His hands began to slowly knead and pinch my stomach and nipples, his fingers alive with lust, his hardness pressing itself against the spongy softness of my ass while he groaned and grinded into me even harder. “Don’t…c’mon, please stop.” I said, trying to keep from crying out loud and appearing weak in front of this asshole.
“Ohhhh God…the only thing better than having you fight…is hearing your boyish little whines and pleas for me to stop. Mmmmm…you must taste absolutely divine. I knew, from the first day your mother introduced me to you that you would be my all time favorite. You were sitting on the sofa, those light grey sweat pants hugging your body soooo seductively…I just knew that I would never be able to feel for your mother the way I feel for you.” His hands left my stomach and cupped themselves over my penis, which was getting hard on instinct from the contact. Maybe from the fear in my heart, maybe from the sheer physical pleasure after being a virgin for so long, who knows? But it shamed me even more to know that even on some extremely savage basic level…my body was enjoying its first virgin experience with another male who was hungry for the very taste of me. “Do you like this? Hmmm? Do you?” He began to rub harder, and was biting gently on the back of my neck, his hot breath blowing my hair up slightly as angry tears streamed down my face.
“Don’t…QUIT IT…!” I protested, but I felt him bite down harder on my collar bone, and I gasped at the jolt of pain that shot through me, my mouth open in a silent scream that wouldn’t surface. He just kept going. Touching me. Kissing me. When I felt his lips move away from my neck, and he began sliding further down in the bed, I knew that I had to stop this. I said, “I’ll scream.” He didn’t stop. In fact, my squirming made him grind up into my leg, his hardness rigidly sliding up and down as his tongue circled my right nipple. “I MEAN it! I’ll scream!” I said louder. I was trying to hide the fear in my voice, but wanted to say it loud enough to let him know that I meant what I said. Even Chuck wasn’t THAT bold to get caught. But he kept going, so I began to get louder, and was ready to cry out, hoping to alert somebody as to what was going on.
His tongue was now leaving a sickening puddle of spit inside my belly button, and before I threw up, I involuntarily shouted out loud. He instantly jumped up and covered my mouth, his other hand gripping my throat. “SHUT UP!” He hit me hard in the face again, and then grabbed a hold of my nuts, clenching tightly enough to keep me from being able to scream. “You scream…and you’re OUT of here! You got it? Out of this house, out of school, out of this family! For GOOD! I doubt your mom would take your word over mine, Mr. Rebel. I was trying to be nice…but I don’t HAVE to be! You understand?” The look in his eyes was menacing, an intimidating look of insanity. “I was hoping that you and I could have an understanding, Taryn. I just want to love you, that’s all. But if all you want is a rough FUCK like the two dollar boy-whore that you are…then that can be arranged the next time your mom goes out of town! What do you say? Huh? Is that what you want? Me ramming into your tight hole without so much as a kiss? You want to be USED, don’t you? DON’T YOU???” He gripped my nuts even tighter, and I screamed out in pain, muffled by his hand as my tears ran over the back of it. “NOD IF YOU UNDERSTAND ME, BOY!!!” He whispered loudly. Regretfully, with tears running down my cheeks in rivers, I nodded. He let go of my sack and licked me sickeningly on both of my cheeks, his tongue wetly passing over my lips again as I clenched my eyes tight to try to block out some of the stimulation. “Good. Good.” He said between kisses. “I’m sorry, baby…but you were being a brat. And daddy can’t have his China Doll being a brat, now can he?”
I felt his head move down to the front of my boxer shorts, and he crushed his face against my genitals in a lustful embrace. I could feel his mouth open as it rubbed back and forth against my hardness, I could feel the warm moisture of his breath as it broke through the material of my boxers. Why was this happening? Why was I hard? I hate him! I HATE HIM!!! He inhaled deeply, and whimpered as though he were in heaven as his face mashed against my privates hard enough to hurt me and cause me to yelp in pain. “Ohhhh…God…you smell so good. Mmmmm…I want to fuck you so bad it hurts. So bad that it HURTS, baby, do you understand that? I’m soooo hard right now. Sooooo fucking hard. I love you, Taryn. Daddy loves you.” He babbled, and I just shut my eyes as tightly as possible, too scared to move, too scared to run, too scared to lay still, too scared to speak. Please…make him stop. Make him stop touching me. Oh God, please…don’t let this happen.
Suddenly, he stopped, and we heard a noise in the kitchen. The rattling of some dishes or something. Evidently, Alec had gotten up to try to get himself a glass of water, and my mom went into the kitchen to keep him from breaking anything. Hearing her voice, Chuck froze, and then removed his face from the front of my boxers before his tongue could snake its way inside the hole. He got up from my bed and adjusted his steel hard rod as best as he could. He put his finger to my lips and whispered, “Shhhhhhhhh….” Then he put his right hand under the elastic of my boxers and rubbed it all over my privates, especially underneath my balls, even nudging a middle finger briefly over my hole. I was crying with the amount of rage that I felt and pushed his hand off of me with every last bit strength that I had. I gritted my teeth as I lay there, watching him smile and suck his middle finger into his mouth obscenely while staring into my teary eyes. Then…after blowing me a sweet kiss, he walked back to the door and left my room. Kissing my mom with the same lips that he had just pressed intensely against my privates in the most vulgar way possible. Later that night, ever so faintly, the sounds of sex were heard leaving my mother’s room. And it was almost enough to make me even sicker than I already was. She would be going on another trip out of town in a week…and I knew that Chuck wouldn’t hesitate to make his ultimate move while she was gone. I couldn’t bring myself to get more than an hour’s worth of sleep that night. Scared and not seeing a way out, I spent my waking hours thinking about my life, and about my future, and how I could escape this situation, by any means necessary.
I must have dozed off shortly after the sun came up, and lingering thoughts of my father, my REAL father, lingered in my head as I slept. I still remember how much I looked like him, and how good things were when he was around. He worked nights, and didn’t get home until 5:30 or 6 o’clock in the morning. But I always set my alarm and looked out for him anyway, ever since I was little. It brought me back to a time when I was only eleven years old, and he had taken me out to Grant Park to get away from things for a while. It was such a sunny day, so warm, so alive with bright colors and the sounds of people enjoying it just as much as I was. It was amazing. We had taken a short walk along the lake, and he sat me down under a tree to stare out at the waves. It’s a day I’ll keep with me for the rest of my life. He knew he didn’t have an awful lot of time to spend with me, but he told me this…and I can still hear the words clearly in the back of my mind…
“Taryn, just remember, that when you look out towards the lake, and see the sun rising out of the water…you’ll know that daddy’s coming home, and that he’ll never leave you. As long as you remember that, I’ll always be looking out for you kid, no matter what.”
It was as though my dream had spoken the words loudly enough to break me back into consciousness. The next morning I awoke to hear Alec in my room singing some moronic Sesame Street song in a whisper. He was attempting to do it quietly as I slept. But believe me, a four year old boy, plus a Sesame Street sing-a-long song…do NOT equal ‘quiet’ in any sense of the word. I rubbed my eyes to see him sitting on the floor next to the bed. I couldn’t help but smile as he clapped his little hands in tune with the music and whispered the lyrics to himself. “Hey there, rock star.” I said.
Alec looked up at me, and grinned happily. “You woke up.” He giggled.
“Yeah…yeah, I woke up.” I smiled. “Come help me out of bed…I’m stuck.” I said with a mischievous smirk.
“Uh-uh…you’re not stuck.” He started to laugh, but I told him that I was still stuck, so he giggled to himself as he stepped carefully closer to help me out of bed. He crept closer, and closer, and just as he took me by the hand, I growled like a monster and pulled him into the bed with me. The laughter that erupted out of him every time I did that was always music to my ears. And as Alec kicked playfully and tried to get away, I tickled his sides and laughed just as hard as he did. Out of all the things I hated in my life…Alec was the one shining light that helped me to find the good things that I had stopped noticing long ago. The overall beauty in the world. And he did it all with the simplicity and the purity of his smile.
I finally stopped tickling him, and said, “C’mon. Mommy’s making breakfast.”
“Ok!” He jumped down out of my bed, and fell over, almost hitting his head on the wall. He was alright, but I couldn’t help but burst out laughing at his energetic rush being cut so short by his collision. Then he got up as if nothing happened, and ran into the kitchen. Me? I got out of bed much slower that morning.
I went into the kitchen and fixed myself a glass of orange juice. But the second I lifted it to my lips…HE walked in. I watched him, my eyes spitting daggers in his direction with every step, and I was almost ready to leave when I saw something that struck me deep down inside and almost made me lose it right then and there. As soon as Chuck sat down in the chair, he spread his arms, and Alec came running over to sit in his lap. I saw him kiss the top of Alec’s head, and grin happily as he patted him on the bottom. I tensed up immediately, and in my nicest voice, I said, “Hey Alec…why don’t you help me come get some stuff out of my room?”
But Alec didn’t move. “I’m hungry.” He said, his boyish voice screaming with an innocence that I refused to let that monster get a hold of.
“You can eat in a second. I just need your help, ok? C’mon now…I’ll give you a big surprise.” I tried to bribe him, but Alec didn’t follow me. Instead, I watched in horror as he hugged his arms around Chuck’s neck and kissed him on the cheek. I felt a rage build up inside of me that I had never felt before, and that’s when my mom walked in. I held back and tried to just drink my orange juice, but when Chuck kissed my brother on the lips quickly, and I saw my brother hold onto it for a second longer than normal…something inside of me snapped! My mom greeted me and was sleepily walking back and forth around the kitchen, but my eyes were fixed on the sickening display going on in front of me!
That’s when Chuck sucked his middle finger again, even more lustfully than the night before, and said…”I wonder where he learned that from?” With a smile.
That was IT!!! In a violent reaction, I felt my arm tense up, and I threw the glass of orange juice directly AT him! He moved out of the way just in time, and the glass, juice and all, shattered loudly against the wall behind him! It scared the hell out of my mom and Alec nearly started crying at the shock it gave him! “FUCK YOU!!!” I shouted!
“TARYN!!! My GOD, what the HELL is the matter with you???” My mom screamed.
But I was too busy trying to pry my baby brother out of that pervert’s arms. “Let…LET HIM GO!!! You can’t hold him anymore!” I said. Alec began to cry and I jerked his arm harshly. I might have been hurting him, and he cried even louder, but I was just trying to get him out of the grasp of Chuck’s vice like grip.
“Taryn??? Taryn!!! STOP this!!!” My mom said. But I continued to pull, continued to struggle. I wasn’t ABOUT to let him put his hands on Alec! Not now, not EVER!!! My mom came over to make me stop fighting, but I held on for dear life. She didn’t know, she didn’t realize what he had done to me. It wasn’t until my mother finally pulled my hands away with a force that she had never used on me before, that the battle for Alec came to a sudden halt.
“You don’t UNDERSTAND!!! He’s gonna hurt him!”
“He’s NOT going to hurt him! What’s gotten INTO you lately?” My mom shouted.
“I don’t want him touching Alec! And I don’t want him touching ME anymore either! He’s SICK, mom! He puts his hands on me all the time and now he’s going after my brother! I won’t stand here and let him do it!”
“Taryn…stop this!” She said.
“MOM!!! I’m telling you the TRUTH!!!”
“STOP! Alright! Just…stop! I am SO sick of this, Taryn! I know you’re having a problem adjusting to our situation, but you are just going to have to get along if we want to stay together under the same roof. Do you understand? No more rebellion. No more lies…”
“I’m *NOT* lying!!!!” I screamed, but she didn’t listen.
“NO MORE!!! Not another word, do you hear me??? GO to school! NOW!!!” She said, putting her foot down.
“You’re going to take HIS side? You’re going to believe HIM over ME???” She turned her back and started fiddling around with stuff in the sink, trying to tell me that the conversation was over. “Oh…I get it! Dad dies, and you don’t want to give up the first good FUCK that comes along! No matter WHAT he does to us! Is that it???” I shouted, but before I could complete the sentence, my mom had spun around and slapped me viciously across the face! Harder than she had ever hit me before. And then covered her mouth as though she hadn’t meant to do it. As though it was a reflex that she wasn’t expecting to give in to anymore than my reflex to say what I said. Looking back on it, I know I had crossed the line, but I guess I just couldn’t SEE it back then. Tears ran out of her eyes and mine, as she walked quickly out of the room. The sting of the slap bristled up on my cheek as it turned a deep shade of red, but it was the pain inside that hurt the most. It was a ‘last stand’ that I had never planned to make with her, and now that it was over I could only wish that I could rewind back a few minutes and take it all back. But it was too late for that, and everyone in that kitchen knew it. I was frozen in my place…tears splashing down my cheeks like crazy, and my heart feeling so hurt and deflated that it was almost enough to make me breakdown right there on the floor. I looked over at Alec…who silently climbed out of Chuck’s lap, and sadly whispered that he was sorry before leaving the room without another peep. I picked up my bookbag, without looking in Chuck’s direction, and stormed out of the house, slamming the door hard enough to rattle the kitchen windows. I didn’t look at him directly, but I could tell that Chuck was silently smiling to himself, knowing that he now had all the power he needed to take advantage of me. Now that my credibility had been shattered to absolute zero. That was it…she didn’t believe me. She’d never believe me now. If my own mom didn’t believe me, maybe no one would. And if they couldn’t help me out…if no one would listen to my cries for help…then I was just going to have to…
Just take Alec…and leave. Soon. We didn’t have long. Soon she’d be gone, and we’d be alone. Defenseless. And Chuck would be free to do whatever he wanted to us. Well, I’d rather die. I’d rather DIE!
The time was rapidly approaching, and I knew that I’d have to act fast. Fortunately my mother was one of those people that gets consumed with details right before going out on a business trip, and that level of insanity kept Chuck busy while I prepared to take off. Little by little, I packed up some stuff of mine, and a couple of things for Alec without him knowing what was going on, and I got us both ready to make my departure. I remember the moment, crystal clear as though it just happened…that one instant when I was packing some clothes in a duffel bag, when I thought to myself…”My God…am I really doing this? Am I really running away from home?” It was just this blazing moment that brought this immediate surreal head rush into my once normal reality…and I suddenly realized that the severity of the choice I was making to leave. It was frightening to say the least, and yet, not half as frightening as the choice would be to stay here and attempt to fend off my stepfather’s advances. So, with a slightly shaking hand, and a heavy breath, I continued packing my bag. It’ll be ok, Taryn…it’ll work out just fine. I know it will. I won’t be gone forever…just long enough for my mom to come back into town and maybe take me seriously. Maybe get some proof to nail Chuck once and for all. Yeah…that’s what I’ll do.
The only hard part was going to be convincing Alec to come with me. I didn’t want him left alone in that house with that twisted son of a bitch. He’d be happy to follow me out, I’m sure. I was his big brother, after all. His playmate. His security blanket. His protector. He’d jump through a wall of fire if I asked him too. For the first few days, he’d probably think it was all a big game, an adventure that led to lost gold and flying dragons…but a week? I mean, that’s the big question. Could he stay with me? He’s only 4 years old, he doesn’t know how to live without tv and cookies for more than an afternoon. He would be throwing tantrums by the end of the third day, and he’d want to go home. Hell…I’D want to go home. I didn’t know how I was going to feed him or look out for him or keep him entertained long enough for Mom to come back…but we really didn’t have a whole lot of time to figure that out. Sighhhhh….this was going to be a difficult thing to plan on such short notice, but I’ll work something out for sure.
I went to school that day, and met my so-called ‘dream boy’ Jason on the steps. It was amazing, how someone can hurt you so badly, wound you so deeply with their actions…and yet can brighten your world up anyway with their presence alone. It makes it so easy to push the pain down into the pit of your stomach, even if only for a little while. He was happy as always to see me…but he’d never be as happy as I wanted him to be. After just a short conversation, we split up and didn’t see one another again until gym class. The only time of day that I got to see more of his delicious skin. The shine of it, the fine silken hairs, the creamy off white glow that intensified the further down you went. His neck, his shoulders, and his smoooooth teen belly. Jason’s entire body had this softness that you could sense with the mere sight of him. I was breathless, and usually began getting anxious for this moment from the time I woke up in the morning until it actually happened. Except, these days more than ever, it really hurt to see him like that. It was like having my heart go into a silent panic attack as it longed to reach out to him. To touch him and have him give me the kiss that would make my life beautiful again. He had the power, I felt it every time I walked by him. Every time I saw him half naked in front of me. Every time I watched the slight ‘jiggle’ at the front of his boxers when he moved, knowing that the thin fabric was the only thing keeping me away from his most private parts. Ohhh…if only I could run my fingers up the back of those boxer shorts just once…if only I could stick my face in them and not have him slug me! Sigh…me and my stupid dreams.
“Say…I’ve been meaning to ask you something. And I don’t want you to take any offense or anything ok? But somebody was kidding around…well…you know how the guys are…” I watched as he fidgeted about a little bit, and wondered what he had on his mind. “…I was just gonna ask…I mean…why don’t you have a girlfriend or anything? Honestly, you’re not one of those guys that I see as being single for as long as you have been.”
I lowered my head a bit, knowing that if I looked Jason in the eye, he’d see the love that I held inside. The ‘wrong’ love. “No reason…I guess.” I mumbled with a fake grin.
“Well…” And there was a long pause before he asked. A pause that made me nervous inside, hoping that he’d just drop it and let me get out of there before asking anymore questions. “…the guys…you know, just kidding around, of course…said that maybe you were…you know…like that.” He said. I froze. Unable to speak, unable to move. Shit! This is HIGHLY unexpected!
“Yeah…well..” I trailed off, hoping that would be enough to let him come to his own conclusion. I didn’t want to say yes, but in the very SLIGHTEST chance that he was gay too, I didn’t want to say no either. Somehow, my answer wasn’t enough.
“But you’re NOT….right? Like…I mean you’re not really a faggot, are you?” He said it so ‘matter of factly’, as though it wasn’t supposed to hurt my feelings to hear those venemous words come out of his mouth.
I never thought that tears would leap up into my eyes so incredibly fast. But I fought them back, clenching my teeth, head down towards the ground, and feeling a wave of emotional heartbreak sweep through me like a nuclear blast! God it hurt! You have no idea. It was the absolute final nail in the coffin, the concrete evidence that not only would I NEVER be able to kiss those lips or hold him against me someday, but that I have been wasting my time, my effort, my LIFE, on him since the very first day that I dreamed of being in his embrace. And that, to me, is one of the most harsh realities that I’ve ever had to face. It dragged a jagged blade of misery across my chest and was trying to force me to scream out loud. But…with all of the energy I could muster, I hid the pain behind a weak smile, and stood shivering with the pressure building in my already battered soul. I looked Jason dead in the eye, and whispered, “….no. I’m not…a…a…‘faggot’.”
“Hehehe…GOOD.” He grinned, relieved. “I was worried about ya bro! I’d hate to think that I’d have to kick your ass or something. Hahaha! We’ll get you a girlfriend, Taryn. Don’t sweat it. I know this girl, Lisa, that’s absolutely NUTS about you dude! She talks about you constantly. She won’t admit it, but I bet if you asked her out, she’d say yes. And she’s a hottie too! You’ll be feeding her the trouser snake in no time! She’s hungry for it, man.” He must have seen a hint of the struggle going on inside me, and he put a hand on my shoulder…the last contact I’d ever accept from him…ever again. “Say, you’re not mad at me, are ya? I was just asking because…” He went on and on, explaining himself with a smile and telling me how horrible it would have been if I had turned out to be a cocksucker. Or whatever other names he could come up with for it. There seem to be so many these days. I guess his intention was to make me feel better, but I just drowned out every word. The only word that echoed in my mind was ‘faggot’, and by the time I left school that day…I had given up on any sense of possibility for the boy that I loved. The first boy, and hopefully the LAST, that I’ll ever let into my heart. I just didn’t see the need to risk getting hurt like this again. I left school trying to choke back some of the most heartbreaking tears that I had ever shed, and went home to finish packing. I had to leave tonight, and that’s that. It’s now or never. Besides…there doesn’t seem to be anything left for me here.
It was raining that night. Not too badly, but noticeably cold and wet outside, with a few rumbles of thunder in the background every now and then. This was it…my journey away from home. I made myself a promise to talk to my mom when I got back. To make her believe, to get us some help. It’s only a week, and then things will be better. I’ll MAKE them better…for all of us. I made sure to give my mom an extra strong hug that night, kissing her on the cheek to say goodnight. She would be gone by 7 AM, and then…HE’D be in charge. I gave Chuck one last look of disgust before going back to my room, but he just smiled back at me, an erection growing in his pants and stretching them out without my mother’s notice. He rubbed it a few times, and secretly blew me a kiss. He couldn’t WAIT to get his hands on me…but I wasn’t going to be there. He’ll have to get his kicks another way.
Once everyone went to sleep, I got my bags and put them outside on the front porch. I didn’t have much, just a duffle bag full of clothes and my backpack. Along with a few other things. I crept into Alec’s room to wake him up, but he was being stubborn as usual. Asking a million questions and taking way too long to get dressed. But after a half hour of collecting the rest of his shit and putting on his socks, shoes, and jacket…I took him downstairs, and we made our escape. We simply picked a street, and kept walking until it ran out. Holding the umbrella upright so we could both stay somewhat dry. I sometimes had to carry Alec on my back because he would get tired, but we kept going. I knew we’d have to stop and sleep somewhere that was dry enough to keep us comfortable. And there’s no doubt that Alec would be asking for breakfast almost as soon as he opened his eyes the next morning. So I figured out a plan for the next day, and left it at that. Alec was soon walking with his eyes closed, and he was way too heavy for me to carry him any further, so we found ourselves a parking lot with a roof over our heads and settled in for the night. I looked down and my baby brother, sleeping so peacefully, even with nothing but my duffle bag to keep his head off of the cold, hard, concrete, and I wanted nothing more than to sleep with that same level of security that he had. That same feeling of invincibility that I had lost so long ago. I miss that.
I saw him shiver from the cold, and he curled himself up into the fetal position, trembling slightly. The only blanket I had to give him was inside the duffel bag he was sleeping on, and it was probably soaked through as the bag was dark enough to have changed colors. So I laid down beside him, and wrapped my arms around tight to give him what body heat I could. When I felt the curled ball loosen up a little, and his breathing slow down again, it gave me enough comfort to sleep a bit myself. This was only a temporary answer to a hostile situation, but we’ll find a way to make this all work out. I know we will.
For now…we were safe…