(Entry: ‘That One Glorious Night’)
“I went out tonight. No special destination in mind. No reason for going out other than leaving the confines of that old run down car lot. As friendly as everyone is there, the walls of that dreary place seem to be closing in on me more and more every night that I stay there. Making my loneliness even worse than it already was the night before. I’ve been feeling so unimaginably depressed lately that it hurts to even open my eyes once the sun sets, and I can’t seem to put my finger on why. All I wanted was an escape from my old life and the promise of a new one in darkness. Then again…technically I DIDget exactly what Trevor promised me…but it doesn’t feel that way sometimes. Sometime…I feel as though I sacrificed more than I should have. And that was a major choice that I wasn’t really ready to make yet. Not in that frame of mind. Maybe I should have waited. Maybe I should have taken more time to understand.
Never once did I realize the depths of my regret. Not once in all these years. Then it hit me…this evening as I woke up and looked in the side mirror of Dion’s truck. I was just walking over to say hello as I always did before sitting down to talk with Rain for a bit. And that’s when I saw my own reflection. My face…completely unchanged. Unblemished. Not a scratch, not a scar, not a zit….nothing. I was still, physically, 14 years old. I mean…14…,I’m just a confused little boy…and I’d never get any older. Not ever. I’ll be this way until the stars burn out, and there was nothing that I could do to change that. It was that realization that made me finally look at my life and see that…it had been ten years since my crossover.
Ten years. TEN! It passed by me so fast that I never once thought about how long I had been living this way. There was soooo much to learn, so much to do. Bryson kept my mind occupied every minute of the day with one silly chore or task around town after another. I guess he had his reasons for it, but I found myself getting bored with the monotony of it. Any free time that I had left over, I spent talking to Dion, or to Jenna, or to Rain. They have been my closest friends at the lot since Trevor and I…um..stopped being close. It’s a long story, but…he wasn’t what I thought he would be, and vice versa on my account. Wow…I still can’t believe that it’s been a decade since I first rested my head here as one of the ‘family’. I guess that ten years to one of ‘our kind’ is just a drop of water in the ocean of time. Not something to really be appreciated until my age had reached the triple digits. If it weren’t for the winter seasons and the snow and the commercial Christmas decorations around town, I doubt that I would know one year from the next. I hardly even remember when my birthday is anymore. Ten years. My God…where did it go? I’ve never had a steady job. I never learned how to drive a car. I never graduated from high school…or went to college and partied my ass off. I never got to see my childhood dreams realized, or got the chance to have a place of my own. I never had a credit card, or written a check to pay for anything. I’ve heard of people being depressed because they feel that their childhood was stolen from them…but how many were cheated out of an adulthood, I ask you? There were so many places that I wish I could have seen, so many foods that I wish I had tasted before my crossover. So many things that I wanted to do with my life. Sometimes I think I was much happier when I thought that I might grow old and gray one day, and eventually escape the misery of life for something better in the end. It’s an odd existence sometimes when you have that promise of eternal rest snatched away from you.
Hell…I’m still a VIRGIN for crying out loud. And since my body is stuck this way forever, I still have wet dreams from time to time. And Vampire wet dreams are sooooo intense! Its hard to recover, once you’ve had one. I still have vicious mood swings, still have spontaneous erections all night long, still have my hormones pumping out sexuality like some tireless machine and making me crave sexual contact every 30 seconds. Sigh…I know that one day, even if only out of curiosity, I’ll give into the sensation and probably sleep with Trevor. I just know I will, no matter how hard I fight it. I hate to admit it, but in those quiet moments, when I’m all alone and stroking myself to rid my body of the sexual tension that I feel being around cute boys all night long in the lot…Trevor’s hot body still pops into my mind as my main focus. I still picture myself wrapped up in his arms, entangled in his embrace, kissing those perfect lips of his. He’s soooo beautiful, and he knows it. When I walk by him, he can feel the emotions inside of me getting weaker. My sex drive getting stronger. Literally pullingme towards his sexy body while my common sense keeps me JUST ‘distant’ to pull away. It’s not that I don’t want him, it’s just…I don’t love him. To be honest, I don’t think I ever have. My sexual attraction to him is just that…an attraction. Noting more. He doesn’t have the heart or the compassion to ever be anything more than a hot jack off fantasy to me. I wish it wasn’t so. He’s the one that brought me here. I want to love him if for no other reason than I’m obligated to show him a certain level of appreciation for my crossover. But I don’t. I can’t. As much as I wish his beauty and his dark charm could swallow me up and make me appreciate him more…I just don’t see any beauty behind his eyes at all. I see the stuff on theoutside, sure…the soft blond hair, the baby brown eyes, the sexy slim waist and ultra smooth skin. I see the captivating glory of his smile, I see his sensually long neck, his perfectly squeezable butt. And I must admit…I saw him naked once at the mission showers once, and he was *VERY* impressive in all departments, BELIEVE me! But…still…there’s soooo much missing from the total package that I wanted him to be. Something unseen. I mean, I don’t just want someone who looks good to me and everyone else on the planet. I’m not looking for some trophy that other people envy from afar, while I ponder how ‘unsatisfying’ it is to be in possession of the real thing. No. I want someone whose inner beauty shines through to the surface, and only shows itself to the people who get close enough to him emotionally to truly love and respect that beauty for what it is. I want the kind of love that shines brightly for me and me alone. The one that presents itself in those quiet moments when we gaze into each other’s eyes and make that solemn vow to be together forever….no matter what. THAT’S what I wanted! More than anything.
I guess I just need something more…untouchable, you know? And Trevor doesn’t have that. He just doesn’t cut it in that department.
Still…there are times when I just want to trade in this silly romantic fantasy of mine for something more concrete. Right here. Right now. Times when I just want to explode sexually and give Trevor what he wants. Times when I want to ‘connect’ to somebody, anybody, and fool myself into thinking that ‘this is it’. This is love. I find myself looking at people in the streets, hoping that I’ll see someone sexually stimulating enough to make me feel as close to ‘love’ as lust will take me. Still…even when my body screams out for passion, and my mind compels me to make a quick and lackluster choice, and my emotions tell me to just use someone before all of my affection goes to waste…my heart JUST won’t let me fall in love. Not if it isn’t true love. So every feeling that I’ve had for any boy that I’ve seen over the last ten years has been artificial at best. I haven’t felt even a hint of that crazy infatuation since I left home. Since that one beautiful boy took me to see my first sunrise. A practice I wish I had been able to appreciate before the sun became my number one nemesis. Now, the emotion itself seems beyond me. Now all I think about is life, the lack of daylight, the lake…and all that I left behind.
I miss my friends, I miss my brother Alec, I miss my mom. When I left, I was soooo angry. I was defiant and rebellious and looking to prove some kind of nonexistent point to the world about how strong I could be on my own without any help. That rainy night, when I walked out of that door with Alec in my arms…I never really thought it would be forever.
Just think…Alec’s probably big enough to kick my ass now. Hehehe! I can’t even imagine him as anything other than that playful 4 year old boy, swinging his feet and banging loudly against any hard surface he could find. God…I actually miss that sound. I really hope he’s ok. It’s been soooo long since I’ve been home.
I had been going out to the lake almost every night since they rebuilt Navy Pier here in Chicago. Now a home to tourists and people looking for a good time. Ferris wheel, Carousel, shops, concert halls, and movie theaters…the whole place was reborn anew. Alive with huge masses of people in search of entertainment. The earlier hours of the evening had become a feeding ground for vampires, and they were always there…watching. Looking for a companion…or maybe just a quick meal. Either way, it was definitely the place to be during these times. But the activity and the overall experience of it only worked to depress me more in the end. Seeing them live their lives, and laugh, and kiss out by the old anchor…it was like a knife in my heart. Reminding me of what I wish I could have had…if only the boy I once loved with all my heart felt the same way.
Sigh…I sometimes sit out by that anchor, hoping that, one night, it will bring the same love and beauty to my life that it does to the many happen patrons that walk by me on the pier with unrestricted smiles upon their faces. So carefree. I sit, and I wait. As though the power of their love would somehow rub off on me and give me the ability to feel that genuine, all powerful, sensation throbbing in my chest again. For real this time, not just a hormonal need for sexy from some hot boy that fits what I see in the magazines. It never worked before though. Not until tonight…when I went out to the pier after it closed..and found my angel.
I sat out by the old anchor, hidden in the shadows where a nobody like me belonged, and wondered if maybe I could make just one last escape. To leave the lot forever and never return. I know Jenna and Dion would worry about me. That Rain would probably shut herself down completely if anything happened to me. I know that Bryson would totally blame himself for everything that I was going through, and that he’d never let it go. But still…I began to wonder if it was worth it to stay. To just sit right there on the edge of that pier, and make an attempt to see just ONE more sunrise. Just one. I had been out there for hours,like many times before, and then I heard footsteps. The sound, the speed, the method of the steps…had to be human. I sat still, still hidden in shadow, and I waited for him to walk up. It was a boy…he looked about 13 or 14 years old, I suppose. A bit on the skinny side, but not anorexic. Very cute! The kind I would have fallen for easily in my old life. Blond hair, smooth as silk, and a certain bold beauty that was more subtle than the good looks that seemed to hit you over the head when Trevor was around. He was different. It was like the difference between the intimidating looks of a super model, and the cute charm and grace of the boy next door. The kind of cuteness that endeared him to your heart almost instantly without question. It caught me by surprise, and after a decade in darkness, that’s pretty hard to do.
My sudden infatuation with him began as a mere curiosity at first. But then I began wishing that he would leave me alone to suffer alone in silence. I didn’t want to be curious, I didn’t want to think about much of anything at all. It all seemed so futile up to that point. Yet…something about him truly intrigued me.
I started to say something to let him know I was there, but he moved closer to the edge of the railing. Very close. And leaned over to look at the water beneath him. It was then that the moonlight caught the side of his face just right…and I saw that he had been crying. Was it sympathy that I felt as my breath caught in my throat? Who knows? But something inside of me was struck by the extremely sad sight of his inner pain. There was something so…’human’ about it. And as he wept silently to himself, I found myself seeing more beauty in him than in anyone I had ever seen before. In daylight, or in darkness. It was moving…seeing this lone boy….apparently at the end of his rope. I saw a purpose. Some weird spiritual ‘light’ that shined so bright inside of him that his body couldn’t mask nor contain it all. And that light was reflected even brighter through the trail of his soft tears as they traveled down the flawless surface of his face. I think the moment I became infatuated with this boy, was when a single tear rolled down his cheek, dangled for a single, painful, moment…and then dripped from the bottom of his chin. I could practically hear the drop as it hit the waters of the lake, and it echoed in my mind for hours afterward. I did what I could to keep from reading his mind. I shouldn’t have. But I had been doing it for so long that it was almost automatic. For some reason, I didn’t want to invade that part of him, not fully. I liked the mystery behind this enchanting boy. It filled me with a certain level of fascination…and I wanted to keep that wonderment in tact. Besides, I would much rather have had it come from his sweet lips than any other resource available to our kind. So I held back…and just admired him from afar for a few moments. My heart reached out for that boy, and something inside made me want to comfort him and soothe his turbulent emotions. To protect him from the pain he was feeling. To create a shield for the misery surrounding his troubled mind. It was a yearning stronger than sex, stronger than pride, stronger than my secret life in darkness. The only reason I didn’t run to him right away was the fact that I was terrified that if I approached him in this condition…I’d scare him off. Kinda like when you see a deer in the woods, and know that if you make the slightest movement in its direction, it’ll hear you, see you, and run off into the woods forever. Seeing him…this amazingly beautiful boy…it was just like that. And I was struck still for fear that I’d lose the moment.
I watched him for maybe a half hour that night, never saying a word, and then…without any warning, he turned around and left. Frustrated, sad, alone. I peered around the anchor and watched him walk away into the night. Maybe he had lost his courage. Maybe he had changed his mind. Whatever it was…it provided me with another chance to gaze upon his soft, boyish, features once again at another time. I leaned back against the anchor and sighed out loud to myself, a jittery feeling rumbling through my chest. I began to shiver and almost thought that my body was getting ‘hungry’ again already. But these weren’t hunger pains. This was something else. Something I haven’t felt for years. A spark of true infatuation. A promise. A possibility. And I began to wonder if I would ever see this boy again in the same light that I had seen tonight. It was a little thing, nothing serious. But I couldn’t deny that it made me feel better inside. Almost as if the stars themselves had set up this little meeting between us. Fate in motion. Falling dominoes that would eventually lea to something amazing. I can dream right? He’s the kind of boy that I would LOVE to spend eternity with. He’s the kind of boy that I’d love with my whole heart…and never let go of. Even if it meant my life. How can such a diehard love appear so quickly? Who knows? But I liked the way it felt.
I decided that I should just go back to the lot again…if only just to find a reason to come back out here and see that really cute blond boy again. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but there was something so hypnotic about his pain. Something that made it seem as though he would be able to understand and accept my OWN pain on a level that nobody else ever could. Even Rain. Whatever it was, it convinced me to make a plan to stay alive and keep coming back to the pier to see if he returned. A plan to keep looking for this boy who had captivated me, heart and soul, without even knowing I was there.
When I got back to the lot, I went into my little spot and laid my head down to sleep. And for the first time in a long time…I smiled. Smiled at the confusion that I felt inside, and the anticipation of feeling it again sometime soon. From what little I scanned of his mind by accident, I was able to at least get a name. JUST a name.
I think I like that name…it’s cute.