I often remember that specific song from the Kelly family. An angel. Sometimes I really wished I were an angel. I would fly around with my wings and help other children. Help them to struggle with their lives. Because, you know, life sometimes can be so hard when you don’t know who you really are or where you belong. Until this special day my life had been a good one. Well actually I didn’t know a different one. We were poor, that I knew. My father often was unemployed. My mother tried hard to make the best from our situation and always did what she could that my life someday would be a better one. But that was a distant future for me then.
I didn’t fully understand all the problems my parents went through. Sometimes they argued. Yes they argued badly. I lay in my bed and could hear them when they were fighting, could hear something break when my mom or my dad threw something on the floor. When they did this I sometimes began to cry. I could feel the tears soaking my pillow then. I actually didn’t know why they had to fight at all, because I knew they loved each other. If they didn’t, why would there be my small being? Those nights were hard but the days were ok. My mom always sent me to school with a goodbye spoken in her warm voice. She always told me that she loved me. And I loved her back. I think it’s just normal for a child to love your parents. But I really loved them, although they had their little problems. What were my problems in comparison to theirs? Yes an angel! That would have been nice. Spreading your wings and just fly away. Or, like I said, trying to help other people. Other children like me. I knew there must be others with the same problem, with the same forbidden feelings. I just knew they existed, but for me there was no way to find them. After all, I lived in a small suburb of Edinburgh. There were just the children I knew from school in our neighbourhood. And they thought I was strange. Was I? What is strange and what is normal? You can’t tell when you only have your small world to compare. But maybe for them this was sufficient.
Do you know what it’s like to be called a faggot by your former friends? What it feels like? If you do then you can understand. And do you know how hard it is to smile and pretend to be what you’re not. It’s against nature. Like in their thoughts my feelings were against nature. I didn’t know what was wrong with them or how they knew. I looked normal with my hazel brown hair and eyes. I had a thin figure and I never behaved differently. Not that I could have told there was something not normal in my behaviour. So again, how did they know then? And sometimes the other question was ‘why me?’. Why do I have to be different? This was before I accepted what I was or better what I felt. So then, I was strange for them. Who cares? I knew what I knew. And to me they were the strange ones. The ones who behaved differently. In contrast to my own normality, that is. I’m just Sean. I’m me and always will be. As a matter of fact I only had this life to live before I would die and then come into paradise.
Well, that’s what I thought and hoped back then.
There was the day in autumn that changed everything for me. My dad had finally found a new job and was really happy about it. What would have been better for our family? I went to school accepting the warm goodbye from my mother. School was ok. It didn’t bother me anymore, like the other children didn’t bother me either. I didn’t have much homework to do when school ended for this day. I took my bike, my most precious property, to ride home. Actually my parents couldn’t afford such a present, but I got it anyway for my birthday last year. When I rode down the empty street I didn’t see the car coming. It hit me badly. I flew several feet away and landed hard on the carriageway surfacing. I felt something break in my chest, but couldn’t say what it was. And I couldn’t see the man that was walking towards me either.
I just heard him speaking “Take it easy, I will take care of you my pretty boy.”
I wasn’t fully conscious when he put me into his car and drove away. I thought he would bring me to the next hospital, I knew where it was. I more lay than sat in the front seat and I could feel the pain in my chest. My head hurt as well, from landing on the hard asphalt. I opened my eyes and tried to look out of the window. I couldn’t make out where we were going, but I knew this wasn’t the way to the hospital.
I asked him where he took me and he said something like “It’s ok.” The road ended ahead. He exited the car and came around to the left passenger side. I felt dizzy and thought I had to throw up. He helped me out of the car and stroke gently over my head. You know that was the moment when I got scared and told him he should bring me to a hospital. When he did nothing but smile at me I moved away from him, holding myself steady with the help of the car roof. But he didn’t let me go.
I don’t want to remember what he did to me after he threw me to the ground and tried to unzip my pants. But I remember what happened afterwards. It wasn’t enough for him to use my body to pleasure himself. He kicked me hard in my stomach. Several times. Until I knew there were more injuries than just a broken rip and my dignity. He began strangling me and cut off the small amount of air completely that I could get into my lungs. I could see stars before my eyes when I tried to get him off of me. But I wasn’t strong enough.
It was strange but I didn’t fear death at all. I knew that I would live on in paradise and when I stopped fighting with him to welcome the death, he let go of me and moved away. I could hear the engine of the car and the wheelspin before they got traction. He just left me there. Left me to die. And I knew that would be the end soon. My whole body did hurt. I couldn’t breathe steadily because of my sore voice box. And it felt as if something inside of my chest had burst. I lay on my back and tears began running down my cheek. Not because of some kind of fear, but because of the pain. I wanted it to stop. I wanted to give in and embrace the freedom of death. I closed my eyes to enforce the darkness and after it the light. But there was nothing. It wouldn’t come. I didn’t know how long I had lain half naked in the dirt, but it was getting dark quickly.
I gave up every hope. Hope to live and hope to die. My stomach and my chest hurt so much. I spit out some blood that came up my throat when I coughed. I couldn’t see it but I could taste it. My body cooled out because of the decreasing temperature and I knew at long last there soon would be the end.
And then angels came to me. Well none of God’s angels. Maybe you can say they were fallen ones, because they had no wings at all.
I could hear them walking and they spoke a language I didn’t understand. It wasn’t Irish or Gaelic. Those I knew, but this language was totally different.
“Adiovereum, diero sarom ezpirezum.”
I tried to get a lock on the two female voices. Then they spoke again, now in my language.
“We must help him or else he will die. There are severe internal injuries with internal bleeding. I can feel he’s slipping away.” One of them came closer.
“Serafina wait, your venom is not strong enough. You would condemn him to eternal darkness.”
“But we have to do something. We can’t just let him die out here. He’s just a little boy.”
I was not a little boy. I knew that for sure. But this day had shown me I wasn’t old enough to take care of myself or else this wouldn’t have happened.
“Serafina, we don’t have time for this. Kilian sere senziorente.”
“Charis, si supplireum.” The woman knelt next to me. I just could raise my eyelids enough to see her red hair, although it was quite dark. My eyes fell close again, my whole body getting weaker and weaker.
“Maybe for him it is meant to be this way. Maybe his time is up.” Now the other young woman came closer, too.
“I can’t believe that and you don’t believe it either. Soló eum adiovereo Charis.”
I heard a sigh. “Fine I’ll do it.” And she knelt next to me as well.
My mind was slipping away but I tried to hold onto it. As I would have welcomed the death before, I was so curious about these two young women now.
“I know you can hear me, Sean.”
She knows my name?
“Yes I do.”
Am I dying?
“Yes you are, but I want to give you another life. A life that will last forever.”
“I won’t lie to you, the transition will be fast but it will hurt a bit.” She stroked my hair. “Don’t worry, you’ll be fine after that.” Her voice was calm and soothing. I could feel her real close now. And then there was pain. Pain on my neck. I didn’t want to suffer again, but couldn’t do anything to make it stop. It only lasted some moments, though, and then the pain was replaced by a weird numbness. I could hear the woman whispering in my ear.
“You will find us, Sean, when you’re ready.” My neck began to burn. Then it spread to my shoulder and into my arms and my chest. Finally reaching my legs. I took every little droplet of energy that was left in my body and forced my eyes to open. I wanted to see. I looked up at her and stared into her eyes. They were glowing slightly and I could loose myself in their sparkling emerald colour. She gave me a smile and felt so comfortable.
Maybe there was no God, but perhaps there is a Goddess. A Goddess that cared for me and accepted me for that what I was.
Both of them stood up in unison and walked on. The woman with the emerald eyes took one last look back at me and then vanished. When they left me I changed. I wouldn’t become an angel that night; with wings so that I could fly around. I became one of these Fallen.
It was the night when my former being died. October 23rd 1995. One month before my fourteenth birthday.